I’ve had a lot of time to think over the last few weeks, about where I’m heading and where I’ve come from. It’s been distressing over the last few years, moments I hope to not relive, driving my anxiety and expectations. But when I have time too take myself out of situations and really reflect on how I react to things, how I motivate myself and what clouds my judgement, I always come up with one answer. To depend solely on me. I seek comfort, attention and approval, but in doing so I take the risk of being disappointed. I take these risks but I’m never prepared for the results to maybe not be what I expect. I hate to be reliant on others, but I’m drawn to that need.
I’m happiest when I’m truly independent, I know this, it’s what drives me, it’s where I flourish. But when my need to be protected from troublesome elements arises, without realising I become consumed in unconscious obsession. An obsession to be safe.
This is not saying I don’t require friendship or love, because those connections are important to me in keeping my head above water, but it’s dependency I do not deal with. I’ve used alcohol in the past, as my crutch, I did not like this person. Events and circumstances helped me to remove that reliance. I’m at the point now, where I can have the very occasional drink, without being drunk, without that need. I need to be at the point where I truly rely on only me. I know from my past that when I answer to only my expectations and move in directions of my choosing, without compromise, that I excel at being me. That person shines, is more confident, is more resilient and would never feel the disappointment of change.
People, circumstances change, I grow. Do I have to feel unhappy because I may not like that change? The answer is no. I accept it and realise unequivocally that I cannot control all external forces, but have complete control over internal feeling, and that is important to hold onto.
I do not wish to upset or seem bitter, for this is a positive reaction, in terms of my dealing with change to an unhealthy situation. I still regard my friendships as my family, we overcome problems, we are not perfect, we are different, but what keeps us strong is acknowledging that. Accepting that the flux of the external is unpredictable and sometimes can be devastating but often can result in wonderful things happening.