After acknowledging my depression is the reason I feel like I do and not actually who I am, the fiction rather than fact so to speak, it got me thinking – dangerous territory you would think, but bear with me – how can I change the way I think of myself when fact tells me a very different tale?
I was inspired by a tweet that Mind charity posted sharing a blog by Aisha Ashraf. The topic was writing a letter to yourself, when you are feeling your best self, for reading when you have hit a low. It made so much sense, it seemed like one of the most obvious things to do! From here I read more on her blog and became intrigued by the posts on mindfulness.
I began reading with great interest, as my CBT sessions seem to be taking forever to become an actuality, I’m still waiting for an appointment 2 months on, so I thought I’d start by taking things into my own hands so to speak.
I’ve been struggling with negative thoughts invading my mind for a while, and as much as I put a positive cover on it, they’re still hiding out taunting me. Some days are worse than others, and I can let them take control of me, reducing me to tears and the feeling of intense worthlessness.
I know I’m better than I was just over a year ago, about the time my world had hit below the rock it struck the previous year, I’ve made positive changes, I can see that. But it’s the little things that frustrate me, like having stupid ‘habits’ that interfere with everyday ‘normality’. It makes me think I’m unlikeable because of it, which I know isn’t true, as I have such great friends, and they remind me at times how great a friend I am too. These ‘habits’ may appear pathetic on the surface, I’d imagine some people would hardly realise they even existed, but when my negative thoughts take over they become more conscious and apparent.
Reading Aisha’s blog and in particular the post autopilot and the raisin, it speaks of setting mindful routines everyday and it made me think how disorganised my days are. Working freelance, it is easy to lose any semblance of a routine, creativity isn’t always switched on 24/7, however it can drift if left uncontrolled. I think I need to put some structure back into my week, and with that mindful structure I will be able to enjoy work again without feeling anxious I am doing it all wrong, or neglecting or not spending enough time on it, or simply thinking it’s just not good enough.
It’s made me feel 1 step closer to banishing or at least managing my depression demons a little better. And I hope to find some calm and leave fiction to the film I watch, or book I read!