Sometimes the reason chronically ill people retreat inward, is to hide all the positive things happening to others, so that they don’t feel overwhelmed by the negativity that incurs from within them:
- Frustration at no longer being able to do those things
- Anger that peers gain more experience and you do not
- Jealously and resentment that you aren’t thought of for those things
- Sadness that their life is bubbling with excitement and activity whilst yours is stagnant and dull
- Fear that you will never be seen as relevant or worthy ever again
I still get those emotions. But I have enough resilience to not let them become the sole occupants within me. I’ve had to become ever more self aware, and as such it’s tiring on another level, as I navigate life analysing and quantifying my reactions to situations and the people who are making decisions around me.
You know what, there are times when self-pity exists in abundance, but I wonder, who wouldn’t experience it when faced with similar obstacles in their path to self-realisation. Our resilience has to become stronger as we face necessary rejection and more difficult hurdles to navigate. Constantly changing goal posts, constantly changing journeys, constantly facing hostile situations. It is tiring, and I’d rather that I didn’t have to.
But every time I witness friends and colleagues continue on journeys that flourish and seemingly avoid the obstacles I have faced, I must remind myself to be genuinely happy for their victories, to experience my 5 negative emotions for sure, but to allow positive emotions to dance with difficult partners and give them encouragement and find a different meaning from within. Your journey is no longer parallel with mine, and I do miss it, but with any grief I have to learn to put it away in a box. A box that I label accordingly – a memory I can return to with fondness; an event I do not want to experience again; a time that has given me insight and shaped who I have become.
I need to have faith in myself, and that my worth has not been vanquished by a permanent illness, it has merely been displaced. Imagine if you will a worth as a beetle, important and with clear direction, but a falling rock narrowly missed the beetle. It scuttles away just in time, but sadly the worth it was adhering too is no longer there, but it hasn’t lost it forever, where it stands now, a whole new purpose and meaning is offered. The beetle can look at that rock and feel angry at its destruction of the path it was on, the blackness engulfing its sights. Or it can look to where it is now and bask in the new opportunities open to it. Beetle don’t feel bleak, your journey is still worthy, it’s just taking a detour and possibly a brand new direction.
13th-19th May 2019 is mental health week – the theme is body image, my body has been shaped by age, illness and disability. When I look in the mirror I see a different person to who I was – I compare myself to myself, but as a beetle I am on a different path now, my body carries me, it continues to work despite the lesions, it’s finding ways to preserve my life, I can’t fault it for that. I guess I now see my body much differently than I did before – I don’t want or need your judgement and demands, now it is mine to champion.
Audio of blog, with stumbles over words included